‘ Just a photo……’

The first thing I want you to know is, as a parent, nothing prepares you for finding the text message or the image that sends your world into a spiral and robs your baby of their innocence way too soon. I come from a unique position of leading and teaching strategically on exploitation- but I just wasn’t prepared. This I want you to hear as ‘knowing’ isn’t enough, preparing is crucial in responding effectively. Be ready to follow instinct, see subtle signs, think the worst, and be actively curious. 

My partner overheard my child swearing on an online gaming session in a manner that was completely out of character. This prompted us to do something we had done many times before- a check of our child’s mobile phone. Why the out-of-character swearing led us straight to this I don’t know, but to this day I am forever thankful for our intuition. 

As I settled down to go through the phone as I had done before, I quickly came across apps I hadn’t known had been downloaded. Snapchat took me quickly to conversations where the content was childishly sexualised but obviously from a position of immaturity and innocence trying to appear far more experienced than my child was. If only it ended there…. 

The thing you are not ever equipped for is, as you find content and threads you begin a journey of being a vicarious bystander to the process of your child’s grooming and abuse but have absolutely no ability to protect as every fibre of my being was screaming out to do. 

I stepped into a world where I jumped from different mediums into a secret world where my child was isolated, scared and powerless. They were initially approached in a gaming group of my child’s friends, and my child quickly showed empathy to the person who was thought to be the same age and who almost immediately disclosed they were having a hard time at home. My child’s empathy, a trait I have instilled in my children, was the very thing that made him a perfect target. That, and he hadn’t had his trust in others rocked significantly enough to understand the level of deceit others will go to to exploit.  My child was asked privately to talk on WhatsApp, as the new friend really liked them and wanted to talk more about their difficulties with my child- my child was the only one who could understand. The hook into my child was well and truly embedded in minutes. 

A picture of a knife and a message saying they had self-harmed and were bleeding quickly followed. I witness my child panicking, begging and negotiating with this person not to kill themselves. 11 pm, 5 am…. Begging to hear the person was still alive. Such a responsibility is felt by a 12-year-old, and one who believes that they can’t tell anyone as the person they are protecting will follow through with killing themselves. This broke me enough but worse was around the corner…. The message came that the only thing that would make the person feel better was a naked photo…. 

The photos that following can be retrieved with total clarity if I close my eyes. My child tried to cover their genitals with a toy but the pain, confusion and shame exudes from their body. A pre-pubescent body wracked with confusion and vulnerability. I followed messages on WhatsApp, messenger, and call logs on FaceTime to track the process of robbing my child of their innocence. The video calls are the worst as I can’t with total confidence say what my child went through. The haunting multiple screen shots of a blacked out person with a hood up, time stamps that don’t correlate with the sun being up…. 

When we finally called my child down to speak to them, they were so trapped in the deceit their concern was about the safety of their abuser, aka their friend. This remained for about a week and then we saw the worry in their eyes be replaced with confusion and pain- we pivoted on this seesaw for weeks until the Police walked through the well-worn stages of abuse and exploitation. We revisit this confusion, pain and shame in their eyes as they get older and mature, and the day will come where my child will realise that intimate images and possibly videos of them are out there for repeated misuse and abuse.

We will revisit this until my child is an adult as the trauma means something different as they develop through stages of maturity.  My final point is this- it is never ‘just a photo’…. It is a culmination of psychological, emotional, sexual manipulation and abuse, coercion and control of our innocent children- children who manage guilt, shame, abuse and confusion and feel total blame for the actions of a depraved abuser. ‘Just a photo’ is simply the external record of lost innocence.

Additional Comments:

This is a powerful and insightful blog written by a parent who is in the unique position of knowing and understanding the world of exploitation safeguarding but who discovered their child was being sexually abused online and the devastating impact this has had. The blog was written to share their pain and journey so that it would help others though highlighted that no parent is ever equipped for the grooming, exploitation and the innocence lost of their child.  The blog calls for families to be curious about their child’s online use and to prepare to respond effectively if needed. It calls for professionals to be trauma-responsive and recognise the impact and distress caused by non-contact technology-assisted child sexual abuse.  

If you want more to know more about technology-assisted abuse or would like support, the Marie Collins Foundation have resources and a dedicated support team for professionals and parents. https://www.mariecollinsfoundation.org.uk/